I Get It: Midlife Crisis Edition

You know, as a YouTuber, I get told countless things. One of the things that surprises many people is my age. People are shocked that I’m not like 25 years old. Maybe I act young. Or perhaps, I have a fat baby face. 🤣

But, I am, in fact, 40 years old. March 28, 1985.

I’ve talked about it before, back near my birthday, but it feels like when I was 39, I still felt young and with my whole life ahead of me. The minute I turned 40, it seemed like it was all downhill. I’m old now. I know that seems like hyperbole, but dammit if it’s not how I feel.

The first thing that came from that feeling was depression and a sense of regret. It’s why I wrote that blog post, linked above. It took a while for that feeling to go away. Now, nearly halfway to my 41st birthday (fuck you, Matt, stop saying that shit), I’m finally ready to move on to the next stage of my life: midlife crisis.

I don’t want to be halfway through my life while simultaneously hoping that I still have at least 40 years to live. If that makes sense. I want to still think I’m young, and that I can do all those things I’ve always planned to do. I want to believe that I’m still a young man, in the prime of his life.

And I am. 40 isn’t that old. I may not be in the best of health, but barring injury or illness, I should live a long time yet.

But my brain. My asshole brain doesn’t think like that. It got depressed and then it started planning. Midlife crisis, indeed.

So, there’s planning. I’m not sure if I was all that involved in it. I’m going to get healthier, that seems like a good idea. I’m going to quit my job. That doesn’t seem like a good thing to do. I’m going to put more effort into my YouTube channels, and make a goal of being able to do them full time by the time I turn 41. I’m going to move to Rome. Learn some Italian. See the Pope. He’s American now, you know? I’m going to fall in love with a pretty girl (presumably younger than me), get married, and have babies. I’m going to finally learn to code. I’m going to buy a Ford F150, the top of the line, and go on a road trip. I’m going to get one of those RAM vans you see YouTubers have, remodel it into a luxury camper, and document my travels. I’m going to see the World!

For fuck’s sake.

Every time I sat down, I thought of some new and exciting future I wanted to have. Compensation for the supposed mediocre life I’ve lived so far, to be sure.

Needless to say, it’s unlikely outside of getting healthier, that I do any of those things. Sure, I want to do YouTube full-time, but I’m not going to quit my job before I know for sure. I’m not an idiot. I would love to go to Rome, I doubt I would want to live there for very long. Maybe I’ll learn to code, but I’ve not shown the ability to actually retain any of that stuff yet. I would hate living in a van, down by the river or otherwise. (And if you’re too young to recognize that reference, go look it up, for goodness’s sake).

The good news is, I’m a realist. My brain, that effing dumbass, may have plans, but the rest of me knows exactly what I’m capable of. There’s no need for a real crisis. I’m not going to go out and by a Harley. That’d be stupid.

But, maybe it is time to broaden my horizons a little. Perhaps, it’s time to be more open-minded about opportunities I would have passed on before. I don’t want to get to 80 years old and have regrets that I didn’t try to do some new things.

My midlife crisis will be toned down because I’m not a maniac. But I’m going to have one nonetheless. Should be fun.